I sit here, in my living room, with my cat on my lap and ponder. It’s been a rough few days through the Holidays, without my man. He had the whole family thing and, we are still laying low. (239 more days until he’s put in his year of separation…) so, it was rough. Rough for both of us! In his case even though he is totally ready to be free of the ex, the fact still remains that he spent 30 years in his marriage. That’s 30 years of family holidays! Although he was unhappy with the relationship for many, many years…change is tough! Especially when it involves special times like that. He and I did not actually speak about it but, I’m sure I’m some aspects he misses her. What she represented in the family for the special times. Although he speaks of the negatives about her and the relationship, I know enough to know that it wasn’t all bad. And giving up that normal family time probably is hard too. It seems as though I should preface the “normal” comment by saying that the word “normal” is subjective. Lol. That being said, R is a thinker. A quiet ponderer. So, he deals with much of this alone. His choice.
My feelings about this relationship is simple. I love R! I want him in every way. THAT I am absolutely sure of! But, a relationship takes 2 people. And both have to be on board or there will be problems. I address this because we have an amazing connection. In mostly every way. There are still a few things to work out but, otherwise we are pretty okay? So, the best thing for me to do right now is wait…and that is not my forte! He tries to reassure me, telling me he knows he loves me. He also questions what my role will be, down the road in his life??! That is scary thing. He thinks alone so, I just have to continue as if nothing has changed. Hoping that he will work through whatever he needs to work through soon. And, that he will let me in to see the process a little more…
I fell asleep after that last paragraph. So, now I need to reorganize my thoughts!!! It’s 16 hours later…lol
I want to have a mature relationship with R. And, I do believe we are. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced prior. We talk, we laugh, we have differences of opinion…we LOVE. We express that love in many ways. And that is also unlike ANYTHING I’ve ever experienced before either!! That being said, it is also that way for him which throws him for a loop! And so having him thrown for a loop means it throws his analytical mind into overdrive! The fact that he is a thinker is wonderful. I am as well. But, he is more than just a thinker…he’s a ponderer. That poses a difficult situation for me because he does this all autonomously. So, I am not involved in his decision making, thought process. That’s hard for me. I am an open book. I will share more freely as I make decisions. So, he gets me worried. Without feedback, I think of the worst scenarios. Like now, I am hung up on the fact that he doesn’t know where I fit into his future now?? He used to say he couldn’t wait to be married. Now, I think that’s off the table? He thinks he needs to think about how important that really is to him. It’s a contract, as he put it. He needs a week to think on what that means too? I’m thinking my perfect relationship has suddenly taken a turn.
I think I am annoying him more now. He’s not wanting to talk to me the same way lately. I’ve been really insecure about how he feels and I’ve gone a little crazy with that on occasion since. I feel so strange. Like I love him more than he loves me. And that makes me scared and too volnerable. I’ve never been here before? Only as a teen. (It wasn’t real love anyway.) He is questioning everything about how he feels about me. Are we intimate too much, too often? (His concern). We only see each other 2 or 3 times a week! And we do other things, go places, talk. The religious beliefs he still isn’t done dealing with. I’m not sure what else? Now I am trying to read into everything. If he really feels like he doesn’t want to “over-share” with me, what else can I do? Maybe everything will be fine? Maybe not?
Don’t get me wrong…I question things too. But, it doesn’t stop me from seeing the good. Or, make me want to keep to myself. I question my real feelings often, trying to be aware. I should have done that more when dating my ex. I can’t make that mistake again. I never used to question how he felt about me. Only a couple months so, short time-frame to judge. I know. Heavy sigh. I want reassurance. I want him to take me into his arms and tell me it’s all going to be okay. He loves me, he wants to marry me, he want forever with me. Maybe he can’t do that now? More questions than answers? Apparently.
(This post took me 24 hours to complete. That’s rare for me)