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Life’s not over…

This is the true story of two broken people, who come from very long term marriages and, have come to the beginning of the end of those marriages. Meaning, just beginning the separation and divorce process. While living our own lives (in which the similarities are quite uncanny) we had a chance encounter that led to the most amazing love story of truth, honesty and mad passionate love.

We will share our most intimate thoughts and experiences (without the hot, heavy sex) of the growth our relationship from each other’s perspective. We hope to not only chronicle our experiences but, perhaps help encourage others to see that their lives aren’t over yet. It’s just the beginning…

J

She Squirrel

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… wait, that’s taken… but it’s my life. This blog is less about where I came from and more about where we are going. Confused? I was too. You see I am a he squirrel exiting a long term marriage and by chance encounter have met a she squirrel. The latter relationship is not important (the worst of times) save the fact that it made me who I am today. The current relationship (the best of times) advanced at a unbelievable pace. To the point where I doubted my own understanding of true love.
We are two squirrels exiting bad marriages and in the midst of separation and divorce. Our finding each other would be akin to winning the lottery or maybe a blind squirrel finding a nut. Two people apprehensive about accepting how well they fit together and finally giving in to love. A forbidden journey? Absolutely not. A journey of happiness, discovery, love, and passion. You can truly love when you are vulnerable enough to trust another human being completely.
Can you find true love? I don’t know. I can share my perspective of how I had to step outside of my comfort zone to find mine. So what is true love and happiness worth to you? It’s everything to me.

R

He Squirrel

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Equals

This spoke to me…

Ellipsis

Because…
I am not a puppeteer.
And you’re not a puppet.
We needn’t have strings attached.

Because…
I am not an employer.
And you’re not my employee.
We needn’t have terms and conditions.

Because…
I’m not the master.
And you’re not the slave.
We needn’t agree on everything.

Because…
I’m not the caveman.
And you’re not the Tudor.
We needn’t have the patriarchal paradigm.

Because…
I’m in love with you.
And you’re in love with me too.
We needn’t be a stereotypical.

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Tough Times

There have been some issues coming up for R in his family. Health stuff.  It has him preoccupied, I get that. Not easy to deal with. Lots more to it.  Not my story to tell.  My perspective on us is of course biased. His perspective is only speculation, on my part.  So, I guess someday he might post it?  All I can do is be honest with what I am feeling.  

I said what was on my mind some today. I was very hormonal this morning and it was hard for me to keep my shit together. My daughter took the brunt of that. I hate that for her. Sigh…my boyfriend and I finally had some limited conversation later in the day. I was glad to talk to him. Even if it was strained some, at first. I need to hear him instead of read his texts. I HATE texting all the time!  Texts are for quick things or, funny things. Not important things or, instead of real conversations. So, he and I cleared the air a bit. It needed to be done.  I am still unsure where we are heading but, at least we aren’t finished yet…I need to give him space. That’s what he needs. I will do that. As hard as that is for me…When I am stressed, I cling to those I care about. He doesn’t. Except in the case of his family. With health stuff especially.  They are the most important. I appreciate that. I have little experience with that personally, as I can be quite guarded with my immediate family. Our dynamic is much different then his, with his family.  That’s a story for another blog lol. 

I am in such unfamiliar territory.  I’ve never been in Love, until now.  I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who is so different from me in some ways, but very similar in other ways.  And, I’m scared. I was married for 18 years. I cared about him. But, I never loved him like this.  For me to be so volnerable when I am in such control of that kind of emotion normally, is totally foreign to me.  I don’t like it, at all.  I want to be in control of my emotions. I want to feel less anxious about trying to figure out how he feels about me. I didn’t have to do that for almost 2 months!  He was an open book, so he said. He never prepared me for this private thinker, side. This self introspection that takes place only in his head. I’m not equipped to handle that. I need training. Sigh…



J


   

 
Happy New Year

Autonomy and relationships…

I sit here, in my living room, with my cat on my lap and ponder.  It’s been a rough few days through the Holidays, without my man.  He had the whole family thing and, we are still laying low.  (239 more days until he’s put in his year of separation…)  so, it was rough. Rough for both of us!   In his case even though he is totally ready to be free of the ex, the fact still remains that he spent 30 years in his marriage. That’s 30 years of family holidays! Although he was unhappy with the relationship for many, many years…change is tough!  Especially when it involves special times like that. He and I did not actually speak about it but, I’m sure I’m some aspects he misses her. What she represented in the family for the special times. Although he speaks of the negatives about her and the relationship, I know enough to know that it wasn’t all bad. And giving up that normal family time probably is hard too. It seems as though I should preface the “normal” comment by saying that the word “normal” is subjective.  Lol. That being said, R is a thinker. A quiet ponderer. So, he deals with much of this alone. His choice. 

My feelings about this relationship is simple. I love R!  I want him in every way. THAT I am absolutely sure of!  But, a relationship takes 2 people. And both have to be on board or there will be problems.  I address this because we have an amazing connection. In mostly every way.  There are still a few things to work out but, otherwise we are pretty okay?  So, the best thing for me to do right now is wait…and that is not my forte!  He tries to reassure me, telling me he knows he loves me.  He also questions what my role will be, down the road in his life??!  That is scary thing.  He thinks alone so, I just have to continue as if nothing has changed. Hoping that he will work through whatever he needs to work through soon.  And, that he will let me in to see the process a little more…

I fell asleep after that last paragraph. So, now I need to reorganize my thoughts!!!  It’s 16 hours later…lol

I want to have a mature relationship with R. And, I do believe we are.  It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced prior.  We talk, we laugh, we have differences of opinion…we LOVE.  We express that love in many ways. And that is also unlike ANYTHING I’ve ever experienced before either!!  That being said, it is also that way for him which throws him for a loop!     And so having him thrown for a loop means it throws his analytical mind into overdrive!  The fact that he is a thinker is wonderful. I am as well. But, he is more than just a thinker…he’s a ponderer.  That poses a difficult situation for me because he does this all autonomously.  So, I am not involved in his decision making, thought process. That’s hard for me. I am an open book. I will share more freely as I make decisions.  So, he gets me worried. Without feedback, I think of the worst scenarios.  Like now, I am hung up on the fact that he doesn’t know where I fit into his future now??  He used to say he couldn’t wait to be married. Now, I think that’s off the table?  He thinks he needs to think about how important that really is to him. It’s a contract, as he put it. He needs a week to think on what that means too?  I’m thinking my perfect relationship has suddenly taken a turn.  

I think I am annoying him more now. He’s not wanting to talk to me the same way lately. I’ve been really insecure about how he feels and I’ve gone a little crazy with that on occasion since.  I feel so strange. Like I love him more than he loves me. And that makes me scared and too volnerable. I’ve never been here before?  Only as a teen.  (It wasn’t real love anyway.)   He is questioning everything about how he feels about me.  Are we intimate too much, too often?  (His concern). We only see each other 2 or 3 times a week!  And we do other things, go places, talk.  The religious beliefs he still isn’t done dealing with.  I’m not sure what else?  Now I am trying to read into everything. If he really feels like he doesn’t want to “over-share”  with me, what else can I do?  Maybe everything will be fine?  Maybe not?  

Don’t get me wrong…I question things too. But, it doesn’t stop me from seeing the good. Or, make me want to keep to myself. I question my real feelings often, trying to be aware. I should have done that more when dating my ex.  I can’t make that mistake again.  I never used to question how he felt about me. Only a couple months so, short time-frame to judge.  I know. Heavy sigh. I want reassurance. I want him to take me into his arms and tell me it’s all going to be okay. He loves me, he wants to marry me, he want forever with me.  Maybe he can’t do that now?  More questions than answers?  Apparently.  
(This post took me 24 hours to complete. That’s rare for me)

J
   
    
    
   

Waiting Games…

It’s Christmas Eve, Eve…and here I sit.  I’m alone, watching tv with my favorite cat.  I miss him…he’s been busy with his family this whole week.  I know it’s how it has to be for right now.  It sure isn’t easy.  And, I am still insecure about what will come of all that transpired last week.  It makes me feel isolated. I also feel totally the opposite. I feel that there is nothing that will stand in our way!   

It was late at night and I hadn’t heard from him in a while. I assumed he went to sleep. I was disappointed that I couldn’t say good night.  But, I was going to get through it. I watched tv.  Then, he texted me!  What a pleasant surprise!!  He and I went back and forth a bit.  He responded to my text “Thinking about you…”  With “”Not as much as I’m thinking about you!”  We debated who had been thinking about the other more and he texted me, “If you told me to come see you right now…I think I would, that’s how much I’m thinking g about you.”  I was happy to hear that!  I wanted him to!  But, I didn’t want to be selfish, or make him feel guilty.  So, I told him “I would…if I was mean.”  I let him know I was sad that I thought he went to bed or, fell alseep without saying good night. He said he’d been cleaning and wouldn’t have gone to bed without talking to me.  I asked him why we were just texting back and forth.  R said “Because, I don’t want you to hear where I am”.    I asked if he was here and he said no.  He proceeded to mess with me and tell me he went home!  He was however, on his way to my place!   I was Elated!!!!  

R never ceases to amaze me!!  He feels the same for me, as I do for him!   I feel incredibly blessed!  And this morning, incredibly tired!!  But, it is more than worth it. I Love HIM more, and more each day!!  We can survive, and we will!!!   

J

   
   

The Aftermath…

Well, things look drastically different from Thursday. Which I gotta say, is a huge relief!!  Things are not all figured out mind you but, R and I have come to a point where we are not ending it.  He still needs to finish his processing of it all. I pushed him for answers before he had a chance to work through it all..alone.  But, after sharing where he was in his thought process in the middle of it, he was regretful. Regretful not of his thoughts per say…but, regretful that he was not finished working through them. He told me that he may have had some time pass while dealing with his feelings and then been able to see a clearer answer. One that didn’t involve ending our relationship. But, because he shared before he was ready, it made things much more confusing.  And, it gave me the impression he wouldn’t have any other conclusions.  So, I thought there was nothing more to talk about. I was letting him go…it was devastating.

He and I work through things differently.  He is methodical and logical.  A pros and cons list maker. Slow and steady in all he does, R reaches his own conclusions after much thought and introspection.  He tests his hypothesis and adjusts accordingly. He doesn’t need to talk through all of his thoughts with outside influences.  Basically my poler opposite.  (Not that he won’t talk through some things. Especially with his significant other.)

I talk to my closest friends when I have something I need to work through.  Sometimes even not as close friends, depending.  I have always been that way. I still come to my own conclusion but, I rely on hearing other thoughts too. Weighing all the options and input, that is my best plan of action.  It has served me well thus far.  I think it has to do with my childhood. I leaned on close friendships for emotional support when I was growing up.  And I trust those relationships still. When I make a friend, if we are a good fit then good luck getting rid of me.  Lol.  I am in it for life.  I have friends I’ve remained close with forever.  Since 1980 and 1990 are some of the dearest ones.  Even one since birth.  

Because of our differences in how we handle ourselves individually in our problem solving, it appears to have clashed in this situation. This was our first encounter with such weighty feelings of such an important issue.  Being so different in our methods is now something we learned about each other for a future situation.  This knowledge should help us adjust in how we handle the next big thing.  (Hopefully nothing too soon…we need a break from the stress!).  Well at any rate, it looks as though we might be able to have some sort of solutions on the horizon. Or, some peace with what we uncover as a resolution.  I do know that we both do LOVE each other and, want to see where this can go. That is all I can ask for. I am greatful.  

R and I are using this blog to chronicle our relationship. To show others that life can go on after a separation and divorce.  And, to represent it authentically.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I am appreciative to have this outlet as well.  Whomever reads this, keep us in your thoughts and prayers that we can continue this wonderful love affair.  
(Pssst…hey R…I LOVE YOU!  😘)

J

   
 

Now What???

Well, this is not what I expected to have happen!  2 months ago, I was just fine.  I was just dating casually and enjoying myself. I was not expecting to fall in love, and have my heart broken in just 2 months!!   WTF???    Why did this happen??  I feel worse today then I did after leaving my husband of 18 FUCKING YEARS!!  I am MAD!  Hurt and MAD!   He said he loved me…he said he wanted to marry me…he said I’d get sick of him being all on me…showering me with affection.  I told him I loved him more.  I guess I was right???

He wants someone to share his core beliefs with.  I feel we mainly do. He and I spoke at great lengths about our beliefs. About the differences.  He said he was open-minded.  Now, he realized he was wrong???   He takes all the blame???  Great!  Fabulous!!  Now what???  Really?  Now what am I supposed to do??  He wants to be friends still. I don’t know if I can handle it??  Being friends with someone I love, I want, I need…it’s not how it was supposed to be?  Such bullshit!  I can’t believe he doesn’t see it??     The biggest mistake of his life, he just made!!  He said he’d be willing to give up the parts of a relationship that we shared, if it meant he could have the spiritual oneness.  Why didn’t he look in his same faith then?  And, when he found out what I believed, he didn’t stop. He knows he should have…he still didn’t!  Is this some bad joke?  This is my LIFE here!    

He revised his post.  He had shared it with me in its original form before hand, at my request.  He wonders if his stand that he made and the consequences from it could ever been undone or, should it?   Well, I totally see his point. My friends think if he does it once, he’ll do it again. Am I a fool to think I would still give it a try??  How and why do I feel so much for him, that I would still continue our relationship??  Am I that hopelessly romantic???   Or, just that ridiculously stupid??   Whatever the case may be…until then, Now what?!   




J
  

I Don’t Know

First and foremost, I am wrong. I have made a terrible mistake. I ask forgiveness without expectation. When you believe something about yourself and find out it isn’t true, it’s time to reflect. When that belief affects another, it can be life changing.

I am new to relationship building in this century, that’s right… I’m old. But the principles never change. Looking back I don’t think either one of us didn’t say what was on our mind. The problem is I should have explored my thoughts and brought them forward earlier in the development. I am at a crossroad that I don’t even want to believe myself. I am squarely to blame, no excuses.

We come from two different belief systems, for lack of better terminology. Christmas seems to be taking the brunt of it but this time of year is a time of reflection and celebration. It reminds me of core values and beliefs that I want to continue in my life. It is more like the catalyst that initiated the thought process. It is the elephant in the room when I think about our relationship. What have I done? How did it get here?

I am unreasonable when it comes to this subject. I know it, I’m not in denial, I recognize it. I struggled for days over one truth I can’t escape. I know I want the person in my life to share the same spiritual beliefs. I would sacrifice other portions of the relationship to have this one. I know that couples make this sort of thing work. But that connection isn’t real to me. That’s just pretending. I left pretending, I can’t go back in to that. Everybody has that “Got to have” the second time around. I have discovered this is my nonnegotiable in a relationship.

Enter the ultimatum. This sounds awful and it is what it is. I must have someone in my life that shares my spiritual beliefs. If she were to ask me to change mine to be with her or walk away, I would walk away. That’s how strongly I feel about that. J asked me for days to tell her what it would take… I ‘m not going to say this on the phone or a text message. It had to be in person, it had to be true to who I am, it had to be said with as much sensitivity as possible. The discussion since that time has revolved around my discovery of her beliefs and I appreciate her passion. I’m good with what I believe and what I want. There again… if she asked me the same question, I would have walked away. I’m completely at a point in my life where my spirituality issue is very much resolved. It is the only common thread of my life that has been stable and unwavering. I leaned on it when there was nothing else. I trust it and I do not want to deviate from it. Hard headed? Unreasonable? The only thing I have completely trusted in that hasn’t let me down. I can’t deny it or am willing to change it. In fact, I wish I was as true to it as it has been to me.

Going forward I can’t help but think if I would resent J or she would resent me in regards to our beliefs. Can I sit by as a step father and watch a child raised with beliefs/practices that I feel strongly against? Can I participate in something that goes against my beliefs? Can I ask her to? Is this a test? The person in my future is a side by side relationship. As passionate as J is about her beliefs, I don’t know that I would trust her resolve if she actually agreed to renounce her beliefs. Would it be the beginning of the end?

I have no solutions, I only have questions, and those who aren’t as passionate about their spiritual beliefs like J and I are absolutely no help.

I go to embrace and celebrate the meaning of this season with family and friends. I wish for a day to share that in its entirety with someone.

I escorted J to her car last night and we stood there awhile holding each other. When we finally said goodbye I watched her leave in her car until I could see no more. I slowly made my way back to my car and sat there a little bit reflecting on the evening, myself, and prayed for forgiveness.

One of the most difficult things is to learn something about yourself that you believed for so long wasn’t true.

So… What now? I wish I knew.

Edited to add:

I’m uncertain in my decisions as of late. This one may not be able to ever be undone and should it?